I have been told that my Gran enjoys reading these so, this one is for you, Margaret. I miss you and I love you. 

So much has been happening in my life...as for the biggest thing it's a little soon to tell but I'll just say that I have met someone, only I haven't. Yet. Not exactly. It's kind of a long story that is beautifully uncomplicated. Surely some of my close friends may have a hard time believing this and I can even see some of you, your eyes rolling right now, as it seems I may have inadvertently become this archetype for independence and the ultimate hard heart amongst us. The girl who needs no one and never really likes anyone, not like that at least. Still, the oldest of the close friends will remember a time when I was in love once and a few of the dearest may know my heart well enough to know that it is nothing if not love. That's the way I see it at least. Anyway, something is happening, its more of a vision at this point and I have no real way of knowing what may come. But Cat Power likes to remind me that, "what comes is always better than what came before" and I'll tell you what, that sounds pretty damn good. 

And no Dad, he's not a sumo wrestler so you can relax. 

There is, however, a bigger picture that I will not loose sight of. I remind myself daily, why I am here, why I quite deliberately chose this journey. Nothing shall derail me, I have worked too hard. This is still my adventure. I am more than happy to share but I cannot forfeit. Luckily, I have every confidence that this is a very mutual understanding. 

Last night, another dream of Tero. My friends and I were out, in Columbus drinking in what was a combination of several familiar haunts. Camu appeared across the bar and started a one sided argument with Myles. I watched the whole thing from my spot near the door. He was in Myles' face yelling at him in regards to some recent irrelevant altercation that I have recently been hearing different versions of. All of this happened exactly as it would have in real life. Mu in Myles' face, Myles barely even turning to acknowledge him, acting as if he didn't care, sitting at the bar, legs crossed, acting like Paris must be burning; Mu heated and fierce, as if he was defending his own mother's honor. The only anachronism was that it was old Camu, before he got sick. I only wish Myles had known him like that; they didn't meet until after he got cancer. I hope I should always dream of him like this; large, prideful, full of life and totally dominant. The thing was, I soon realized that only I could see Tero. The reason Myles was paying no attention to him, was because he couldn't see him. And then there was Gayle, his practical widow, one of my dearest friends, standing directly next to me. I was trying to point him out, all full of excitement that he had showed but she couldn't see him and that only saddened her, "Why can't I see him?" she was pleading with me. "Why am I the only one who can see him?" I was pleading with her. And why shouldn't she be able to see him? However, it didn't take long for me to realize that only I could see him. Maybe this is because it was my dream, but each dream I've had about him since he passed has been somewhat like this. He and I both always know that he's dead and when I see him he makes it seem like only I can see him, for now at least or that I have to be all hush hush that he's here. We spend my dreams of him, driving around unfamiliar neighborhoods and hiding the car in secret garages, covering it up like they do in 'Back to the Future,' we go to secret barber shops, coney stands and out of the way car washes, navigated of course, all by him. Come to think of it, mostly all we do is run errands. In last night's dream, I went to him, out back of the bar and tried to talk him down, it wasn't hard, of course he wasn't really mad, still just likes to argue, even in death I guess. I left him for a moment, I think I went inside to grab us a couple drinks and when I returned he was gone; just vanished like he'd left out the back door or gone around the corner to smoke a blunt. Typical Camu. And of course no one saw him leave because, well, no one could see him. I was left standing there, two drinks in my hand. I gave one to Gayle and the other to Myles and exited myself.  

But, this blog is not a dream journal. Not really. 

There is so much more to tell, more to report of my spirit which is very much alive and feels brighter than ever.  I am focused and clear headed. I pray and I meditate. I have even started jogging though I won't mention it again. I have never enjoyed people who talk about their exercise.  Same with prayer really. 

But first, I really think I deserve a beer. My weekend is officially here and people have been talking English at me for 5 days straight which believe it or not can be as exhausting as it is hysterical. So I am going out into the full moon night to have a coldie or two in the park. This time, I will not bother speaking to strangers. Though, perhaps the German will join me. I have been blowing him off too much lately and as my only official, self made friend outside of work in Japan, I should at least try to keep him around. I shall return.

3 days later.  The German did join me and together we sat in the park drinking a couple of beers out of cans. I am trying not to spend too much these days so I deliberately only took 1000 yen with me, about 10 bucks. I surprised myself at how excited I was to see the German. I guess it's really more I was excited to have someone to joke around with, someone who doesn't mind if I am vulgar or irreverent, someone who perhaps even prefers it. Within moments, I had tears in the corners of my eyes from laughing so hard. When he showed up all sweaty and discombobulated I think I told him that he peed on the poop or something stupid (using inside jokes from your friends back home with people abroad is never as funny as you want it to be). "Wow, your drunk," he told me. "Not at all, these are my very first sips!" I replied as I held up the Japanese version of a tall boy up for proof. I miss my friends and sisters so much, I miss constant jokes! I am ready to laugh at anything even remotely funny these days... course, I guess that's not really new. Anyway, we sat in the park, he was trying to get me to go to karaoke and honestly I just didn't feel like it, besides remember, the dough. The German is decent fun but we have gone to karaoke before and it always turns into endurance drinking and singing which I am not really in the mood for lately. I am feeling rather holistic these days, I feel mild and calm and peaceful. To be fair though, it is always fun, the last time we went, my left arm hurt all next day, at first I was puzzled as to why but then I realized,  I rocked it so hard singing every Journey song I could think of, why wouldn't my mic arm be sore?? Anyway by now, we had run into two other foreigners that said German knew. The girl was from England and the guy, Canadian. They were pretty OK, amusing at least. The girl had lived in Shizuoka for something like 2 years and it was her last night in town. While the boys went to get money for karaoke that I would not be going to, I picked her brain for the marvelous spots in the area that she knew of. Her advice alone made the evening worth it. Then I ran into the Family Mart to buy another beer and there was this sort of hard looking guy with steps shaved into his hair dressed like a cartoon on acid, shoveling fruit flavored Volvics into his basket. Only in Japan. Anyway, I selected my beer and waited behind him in line. He turned around, looked at me, and then took the beer from my hand and added it to his purchases.  "Aeon, Aeon, Aeon" (this is the name of the school I work for) he was saying to me and trying also to make the check out guy (who could have cared less) understand. "Aeon, Aeon," and he is pointing in the general direction of my school.  "Huh?" what the hell is going on here? I am thinking and say out loud because it doesn't matter and is fun to do here, "Look you can buy my beer if you want to but I am not hanging out with you." And that is exactly what happened! He paid for my beer and then totally left me alone. I love Japan! Sexual harassment is ten times easier here than in the States. I walked back to the foreigners in the park and said, "I think I just got recognized."

We laughed about it and then parted ways, them to all night marathon karaoke no doubt and me home, happy and fancy free.